Why I was mad at Don DeLillo for so long

Don DeLillo is one of Pete's favorite writers. Way back when, before we were going out, I was over at the Dump visiting Herb and somehow Pete and I got to talking about Don DeLillo. He showed me his autographed hardback copy of Underworld and told me how good it was. I asked if I could borrow it and he hemmed and hawed and it was pretty obvious that he was uncomfortable with a book signed by one of his favorite authors of all time leaving the house. But he was too polite to just say it. So I said "I won't borrow it. I don't want to take the risk of losing it or ruining it," and he said "no, no, take it take it" against his better judgment. What a sweet guy! (I oughta marry that dude…ha!) Anyway when he left for work he believed I was going to borrow it but of course – I didn't. What am I, nuts?! I would not loan out a book if it was signed by one of my favorite writers. In fact, I have a signed copy of Juniper Tree Burning by Goldberry Long, who is a great writer and was one of my favorite teachers at the UI. And just so I wouldn't ever have to loan it out, but also to be able to promote her book, I bought a paperback just for loaning out to avoid the very awkwardness of denying a reader the loan of a signed book.

And by the way – I did loan out the Goldberry paperback years ago and I still haven't gotten it back which is just proof that a person should not loan out a signed book! I bring that up to make a point, not to dis to whomever I loaned that book to, in case it's YOU – I actually don't even know who it is, and of course I don't need the dang thing back because I have my own freakin copy.

Anyway. After Pete and I started going out I read his copy of White Noise. You know how it is when you're going out and getting to know each other, and you try things that your significant other likes. (Another example of this was when I went to a Residents show with Pete and Batt. Pete really enjoys the Residents so to be supportive and spend time together I went to this show. OH MY GOD it was the WORST FARKIN EXPERIENCE EVER. Unlike most rock shows where it's in a bar and if you're not having fun, you can go to the back and read The Stranger or whatever, this was in a theatre, and we were in seats and COULD NOT ESCAPE. I will bet you $5 that Pete is going to comment on this post and say that it was a bad show and he didn't like it either, but that usually they are really good. Sure, Pete!)

So I wasn't that crazy about White Noise. If this outrages you, then feel free to comment and rant, however I'm not going to argue with you because it was long ago and I don’t remember much about the book except that I wasn't crazy about it.

But Pete loved Underworld and it looked good and I started it. I'm not sure when this was. April or May? I was really enjoying it. It's a very thick book. I am not opposed to thick books. But as I got further and further into the book I noticed that it was really taking me forever to read this book. Most days I read in bed before I fall asleep. Sometimes this can be up to an hour of reading time. But this book is so intense and rich with details – I mean you do not want to miss even one word – that it was zapping my mind and I could only read it for like 10 minutes a night before zonking out.

Perhaps you're thinking "that means it's boring, Bladio you num-nuts" and sure it's easy to presume that when you fall asleep reading a book it's because it's boring but NOT IN THIS CASE. This book is freakin good. Thus how excited was I to take it on our honeymoon, a whole week of swimming and reading on the beach with no bookshelves to dust, no meetings to attend, no dog to bathe! I could read it and read it and read it straight through! Doesn't that sound so great! And I was also happy because I could finally finish it and start a new book!

I love vacations and I love books. I like to bring at least 3 books on a trip because I usually finish one and then I like to choose what to read next. Of course I have to multiply the number of books from which to choose, depending on how long my vacation is. Our honeymoon was one whole week so I figured I would finish 3 books (not including Underworld) so I needed to bring…FOURTEEN BOOKS!

You see, we got these two huge roll-ey suitcases for our wedding. And I was like "I'm filling this one up with books!" Well, that's not quite true. Actually I put like 3 books in and then I would walk past the bookcase and see another one I needed, and toss that one in, and so on.

Here are the delectable titles I brought along on our honeymoon:
-- Shakey (biography of Neil Young that the lovely T-rod gave us)
-- The Shining (I'm skeeered!!! also, written in the town where my parents live)
-- Anna Karenina (No I've never read it ok?!)
-- Angels & Demons (by the guy who wrote the Da Vinci Code)
-- A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (I bought this last year after spending some time in sweet Brooklyn)
-- A Cook's Tour (by the guy who wrote Kitchen Confidential, which is good)
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (recommended and loaned to me by JJS)
-- Snow Crash (sent to me by my London work friend Tom because it reminded him of me – the book seems really weird, so I wonder in what way?! Like, 'cause I'm so weird?)
-- Babyji (bought on a whim, takes place in India; is the main character "a cerebral schoolgirl or a predatory lecher"? I will decide!)
-- Your Call Is Important to Us: The Truth About Bullshit (we saw the author [Laura Penny] on 60 Minutes and it turns out she's a friend of our friend Rosa)
-- A biography of Frida Kahlo (because I liked the movie)
-- Hammer of the Gods (biography of Led Zeppelin) (by the way, happy Zeptember, everyone!)
-- Native Son (again, one I've never read that I should've read long ago)
-- Chore Whore: Adventures of a Celebrity Personal Assistant (a sort-of gift from K's mom – she didn't like it as she is not interested in celebrities, so she gave it to me, yay!)

A suitcase filled with so many books is pretty farkin heavy. But that didn't matter right because they were roll-ey suitcases? Well actually the place we stayed didn't have an elevator and we were on the 3rd floor. So Pete was really, um, sad when he carried my suitcase up the stairs. I was very apologetic. "Why do you need so many books!!!" he said in frustration. "Because I like to choose," I said with much sympathy to his heavy plight. That was the first tense moment of our marriage! But we worked it out quickly and now I recall the moment fondly. How sweet to share a teeny bit of tension over books since we both love books! Books books books!

So now picture this. Hawaii. The isle of Kauai. Sunny skies, clear water, pleasant breeze. Swimming suit, sunglasses. Mai tai with a honkin slice of pineapple on the rim. Mountains of macadamia nuts. Pete by my side. etc. etc. and ta-da! a big bucket of books. I read the last page of Underworld and close it. I reach into the book bucket. Cook's Tour? No, I think I want fiction. Native Son? No, time for something lighter. What shall I read…?

See the reason I have to ask you to picture this is because that did not happen. So I'm picturing it too, as a sort of fantasy (there weren't mountains of macadamia nuts either). I did not finish Underworld in Hawaii. Because it is TOO FREAKIN LONG. And that was why I was mad at Don DeLillo for so long. Because I took all those books to Hawaii and I didn't get to read them. But I’m not mad anymore because I finally finished that fucker last week. And now I'm reading The Magician's Assistant by Ann Patchett, which I love so far. And you'll notice that's not on the list of books I took on my honeymoon. THAT is because I like to CHOOSE.