meme part 2

I have been tagged by Gallivanting Monkey to tell 3 fantasies about myself if I were a "total, unbelievable success. Like the hero of all future reunions." Here is number two in this series.

Back in 2009 CBS announced that Andy Rooney was retiring (FINALLY!). Pete woke me up at 5:20 AM to tell me because he knew I would be so excited. And I was! WTF Andy Rooney! I mean come on! For those of you who don't watch "60 Minutes", here is an example of an Andy Rooney segment:

Andy Rooney [in a crinkly crappy old coot voice]: Today I went to the book fair. I saw a book that cost $35,000. I saw another one that cost $153,000. Books are nice.

CBS also announced that they were seeking a replacement for Andy Rooney from the public! So of course I entered the contest because I'm just as good at saying random things as he is! Why not get paid for it!?

Well, I won! Now you can tune in to "60 Minutes" every week and see my segment, called "Sally and Blade". Our inaugural episode debuted on Sept. 19, 2009:

Blade: Hi, I'm Blade and this is my dog Sally. Sally and I are honored to be replacing Mister Andy Rooney on "60 Minutes". We hope to continue Mister Rooney's tradition of sharing anecdotes and answering the big questions of our time.
Sally: They're out of treats in the green room.
Blade: Ever wonder about people who meander in the middle of the parking lot, so cars can't get by?
Sally: And what about cars that drive really slow, when it's time to go fast? Like at the left turn from east-bound Madison onto Lake Washington Boulevard?

Here are some examples from some of our other segments.

Sally: I bit on my rear leg near my knee for 20 minutes today until you made me stop it.
Blade: Ya I know.
Sally: I saw the neighbor dogs out the window and barked.
Blade: What's the deal with dog parks? It's like, people go there with their dogs and the dogs run around.
Sally: It's fun.

*****

Blade: I was reading in the paper last week about science. I became curious about the age of the air in my body.
Sally: Where's my Kong?
Blade: So I farted into a jar and closed it up fast. I took it to the science lab and they ran carbon dating on it. It turns out my fart air is from 1975!
Sally: Gross.

*****

Blade: The other day I started to wonder, what's the deal with pants? Why does everyone wear them?
Sally: I don't wear pants.
Blade: I went to the clothing store and asked the saleslady, "what up with pants?" She said, it's just how it is.
Sally: I'm going to bite an area near my butt as soon as we're done filming.
Blade: In England, "pants" means "underwear"!

Well, it's not the easiest job in the world, but it pays an insane amount and some viewers even like us more than they liked Andy Rooney. We do get some hate mail but I don't read it and as far as I'm concerned it doesn't exist. The only thing that sucks is that now when "60 Minutes" is on, I have no reason to bitch and moan and thrash about in despair about Andy Rooney.

Special thanks to Pete who helped me create this fantasy.

And, in case you're wondering how it technically works, Sally's lines are printed on the screen in a thought bubble like so: