workers' comp

I used to work at a small software development company. I was just out of college and jonnynono got me a gig at his place of employment. I was an admin at first and sat at one of 2 front desks.

Anyway it was an awesome place to work and when the developers needed to walk around and let the code stew in their minds or whatever lots of times they would come up to the front desk area to shoot the shit. It was great because I got to know a lot of people that way.

This one day a coder came up to the front desk. He was feeling light-headed and complained of an odor coming from the air vent into his cube. He had a horrible headache and said he thought that some sort of chemical gas or something was in the air vent. This was back in the days when terrorist attacks weren't really the norm in the U.S. so it's not like he thought it was warfare, he thought there was a problem with the building.

We went to his cube with him to sniff around but couldn't really smell anything. He came back up later and he was just distraught, he was all messed up and said I have to go home! I am sick! I am going to need workers' comp!

Keep in mind that this was a funny nice guy, not one of the annoying people. You know how there are always annoying people in an office. This guy was just a quiet dude, coding away most of the time.

So we called Ray, the maintenance manager for our building. We said Ray, we think this guy is a bit bonkers, not that he's making up his illness, however we can't smell this supposed smell. Ray came on over and we went to investigate the guy's cube.

Ray went up into the ceiling and everything, searching for some sort of chemical leak. Nothing. We sniffed all around. Nothing.

Well guess what people. Mr. smart coder had a bag of oranges in his drawer and they went moldy and they were giving off a gaseous smell that knocked Mr. Coder out!

Boy did we have fun giving him a hard time about that! He was really embarassed but later on he let us take a photo of him pretending to be passed out in his cube next to his oranges, and we put the picture in the Christmas party slide show.

p.s. he was a PhD.

meme part 2

I have been tagged by Gallivanting Monkey to tell 3 fantasies about myself if I were a "total, unbelievable success. Like the hero of all future reunions." Here is number two in this series.

Back in 2009 CBS announced that Andy Rooney was retiring (FINALLY!). Pete woke me up at 5:20 AM to tell me because he knew I would be so excited. And I was! WTF Andy Rooney! I mean come on! For those of you who don't watch "60 Minutes", here is an example of an Andy Rooney segment:

Andy Rooney [in a crinkly crappy old coot voice]: Today I went to the book fair. I saw a book that cost $35,000. I saw another one that cost $153,000. Books are nice.

CBS also announced that they were seeking a replacement for Andy Rooney from the public! So of course I entered the contest because I'm just as good at saying random things as he is! Why not get paid for it!?

Well, I won! Now you can tune in to "60 Minutes" every week and see my segment, called "Sally and Blade". Our inaugural episode debuted on Sept. 19, 2009:

Blade: Hi, I'm Blade and this is my dog Sally. Sally and I are honored to be replacing Mister Andy Rooney on "60 Minutes". We hope to continue Mister Rooney's tradition of sharing anecdotes and answering the big questions of our time.
Sally: They're out of treats in the green room.
Blade: Ever wonder about people who meander in the middle of the parking lot, so cars can't get by?
Sally: And what about cars that drive really slow, when it's time to go fast? Like at the left turn from east-bound Madison onto Lake Washington Boulevard?

Here are some examples from some of our other segments.

Sally: I bit on my rear leg near my knee for 20 minutes today until you made me stop it.
Blade: Ya I know.
Sally: I saw the neighbor dogs out the window and barked.
Blade: What's the deal with dog parks? It's like, people go there with their dogs and the dogs run around.
Sally: It's fun.

*****

Blade: I was reading in the paper last week about science. I became curious about the age of the air in my body.
Sally: Where's my Kong?
Blade: So I farted into a jar and closed it up fast. I took it to the science lab and they ran carbon dating on it. It turns out my fart air is from 1975!
Sally: Gross.

*****

Blade: The other day I started to wonder, what's the deal with pants? Why does everyone wear them?
Sally: I don't wear pants.
Blade: I went to the clothing store and asked the saleslady, "what up with pants?" She said, it's just how it is.
Sally: I'm going to bite an area near my butt as soon as we're done filming.
Blade: In England, "pants" means "underwear"!

Well, it's not the easiest job in the world, but it pays an insane amount and some viewers even like us more than they liked Andy Rooney. We do get some hate mail but I don't read it and as far as I'm concerned it doesn't exist. The only thing that sucks is that now when "60 Minutes" is on, I have no reason to bitch and moan and thrash about in despair about Andy Rooney.

Special thanks to Pete who helped me create this fantasy.

And, in case you're wondering how it technically works, Sally's lines are printed on the screen in a thought bubble like so:

meme meme meme meme meme

I have been tagged by Gallivanting Monkey to tell 3 fantasies about myself if I were a "total, unbelievable success. Like the hero of all future reunions." So here goes – this is number one. Rather selfish to be honest so please forgive me.

A lonely old lady who left her car lights on, until I pointed out her lights were on, left me her fortune because I was so kind as to prevent her car battery dying. Apparently in her loneliness she was just looking for one episode of kindness from a stranger, and that ended up being me. I never have to work for pay again, so I spend my time at home raising our children (one boy and one girl). Our home is completely green, has a view of Lake Washington and Mt. Rainier, and 6 bedrooms. One for Pete and me, one for our boy, one for our girl, one for guests, and then a study for each adult. There are 4 bathrooms. One for Pete, one for me, one for the precious children, and one for guests. We have a nice yard with lots of mature trees. I have developed quite a green thumb and I garden, growing many vegetables and flowers. I also repair all household issues myself because I have become very handy with tools and fix-it knowledge. I happily work out on my exercise equipment in the basement 5 days a week and eat healthy delicious food. Since I'm so consistent about working out, one day a week I eat either ice cream or macaroni & cheese without it affecting my weight or cholesterol. The children are fussy at times, but they love Pete and me a lot, and we love them. We've taught them good manners and how to love the arts, as well as how to be diplomatic when wanting to express yourself so you don't get stepped on by all the assholes out there. Each weekday while the children are napping, I work gratis out of my home office, helping humanity in a variety of ways, mostly by writing heartstoppingly effective treatises and articles on how to make the world better, to end poverty, global warming, war, disease, etc. On weekends I toil in the city, tearing down broken buildings, building low-income housing, and planting greenery to make the city lush and sweet-smelling.

Food Network Update

It's been awhile since I blogged about my beloved Food Network and I know you've been aching for news.

I found a new lady I really like. Her name is Ellie Krieger and her show is called Healthy Appetite. Unfortunately it's only on Saturdays. We have made her Thai-Style Halibut with Coconut-Curry Broth, Mom's Turkey Meatloaf, and White Bean Dip - all delicious. I like her and her recipes because they are healthy but still really good.

*****

Pete and I watched "Behind the Music: Sandra Lee" (ok it wasn't called behind the music but it was the Food Network equivilent of that - like a biography show). I still don't like her weird ways on Semi-Homemade, but learning her life story was interesting and sad. She basically had to cook for her brothers and sisters because they had no parents or something. And they were totally broke. I can't remember the details obviously but she got her entrepreneurial start by selling curtain things at fairs and then eventually on infomercials starring Florence Henderson. Now when I see Sandra Lee I feel sad when I think about her rough childhood (I think also, she got kicked out of her house at one point and had to live on her own) and I'm happy for her success even if she's weird and her foods are odd.

*****

kww and Watie were in town a couple weeks ago. One night kww, Eloise and I had girls' night at my place while Watie and Simon had bachelor night at the Westin. After Eloise went to sleep, kww and I drank Scotch and talked, with Food Network on. Basically my dream evening. Anyway Emeril was on, as he often is, and kww said, "Watie doesn't like the band." and I was like geez! the band seems, if not good, then not worth disliking, and not a reason to not watch the show (keeping in mind that Emeril drives me crazy). Well it turns out that she actually said, "Watie doesn't like the 'bam'" - which is Emeril's famous thing to say. Except, he doesn't seem to say it anymore. In fact, since I've become a Food Network junkie in the past 9 months or so, I'm not sure I've heard him say it. Now he always says, "Oh yeah baby" which is really creepy and disgusting and makes me uncomfortable! Anyway kww theorized that perhaps he doesn't say BAM anymore because of his failed sitcom.

*****

The other day I was lying on the couch watching Rachael Ray during a little cooldown from my hectic day while Pete rustled around the house as he is wont to do. I was all pooped out from a work meeting. She was making this salad and Pete was like what is that crazy stuff! And I said, it's a type of French lettuce called "frisee" (pronounced frizzAY). and he said "prizzay?" and I was like, no, frizzay, like frizzy but frizzay. And he said, "like Chris?" and I was kind of spaced out so I didn't say anything and he said again, "like Chris?" because we have a friend named Chris Fiset (pronounced fizzAY). And I was like YES! I laughed so hard that my tiredness vanished.

*****

Finally, I continue to be freaked out by the strange skits on Good Eats with Alton Brown, and although I am a silly person, his silliness and the silliness of his skits is offputting to me. And, Pete is freaked out by Giada's square smile.

Block Jock Sharock!

Does anyone else think of the Bugs Bunny character "Black Jacques Chirac" when they hear outgoing French president Jacques Chirac's name?

It was pronounced with an extreme French accent, loudly and with much emphasis. "BLOCK! JOCK! SHAROCK!" or possibly, "SHELLAC!" He was a bad guy.

I remember this specifically from an episode where the cartoons were playing blackjack in the old west.

Bugs Bunny is my favorite cartoon series, although Bugs himself isn't my favorite. I'm not sure who is. Pete doesn't like it. He likes Tom & Jerry. Weird.

your support experience

Here's a duck and her ducklings. They were hanging out near my office building.

Here are some flowering plants near our place.

Here's a cute house by our place.


I wonder why I took this picture?


hmmmmmm...

I chose the title of this post by starting to type in the text field, then arrowing down through all the titles I have ever written on this computer. Just random.

First Grade

I am one of the kids in this picture. At my grade school we had a covered wagon in the library and after you checked out your books you could sit in it and read. You couldn't talk in there, and once I got kicked out for talking to my friend Justin.