In Honor of Dup

Here's an inappropriate joke for Halloween that Dup told me years ago.

Q: What do people in West Virginia do for Halloween?

Click on the comments to see the answer.

In Honor of Shaftway

No new leads in the cake mystery. I will keep you posted, and someday I'll fill in the details for you. Actually let me tell you now. We had the top tier of our wedding cake in a Tupperware in our freezer to eat on our 1-year anniversary. Now there is a piece out of it and we don't know who, um, chose (I'm sure very reasonably...???) to eat part of our cake. And at this point we will probably never know because we have exhausted our leads. Pete thinks maybe he did it and told me about it and then we both forgot. Besides from being a crazy idea, as I keep telling him, "You don't even like cake!"

Anyway the real reason I started this post is to say: too bad Shaftway doesn't read blogs or he would see this photo I took in NYC Chinatown in his honor:



p.s. if one of you dear readers ate part of our cake, please let me know. I promise I won't be mad. I have gotten over my initial disappointment and at this point I'm just incredibly curious. Plus, don't forget, I'll give you $1.

Mystery!!!

If any of you have eaten a piece of cake out of our freezer, please I beg you to let me know. I will give $1 to anyone who has information.

Photo Gallery

When we were in New York we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and saw the Egyptian exhibit. We were fortunate enough to see this ancient artifact in the Sackler Wing which houses the amazing Temple of Dendur! (In case the bucket text is too hard to read, it says "Egyptian Dept.")

Here's the Funkhauser, wearing a sporty outfit, with George Foreman. Once Pete said, "What did you burn your arm on that one time? The Mr. T. grill?" You might think he just got two boxers confused but really he's obsessed with Mr. T and tries to drop his name into every conversation. Photo courtesy of IMDB.


I can think of an answer to this question posed by Entertainment Weekly in this week's issue. Can you? (Pete spotted this.)

When we were in Brooklyn, Pete stocked up on Homies. This extra special Homie was the topper on Pete's groom's cake last summer.

Once in Florida I ran around a corner and got bit by a set of golf clubs. I fell crashing to the ground. Thank goodness that KWW saved me by putting tongs on my toe.

That's it for now, my loves! I'm going to watch Matewan now.

Voice Mailbox: Full!

Today the voice mail lady told me our voice mailbox is full and we need to delete any unnecessary messages. This makes me sad. How will I choose what to delete forever?

Part of me wonders if we should just delete them all and start from scratch. I will have to consult with Pete of course.

I Love My Dog

This is my dog. Her name is Sally, she is a black miniature schnauzer with white accents, about 12 pounds, and today is her birthday. She is one year old.

Sally moved in with us in late December 2004. When we brought her home she ran right over and took a huge dump under our IKEA ottoman. And that started our big adventure together.

Here are some questions I tend to ask Sally:

1. Are you fuzzy?
2. Do you need a little snuggle?
3. Are you HUNGRY?! Do you want to EEEEEAT?!
4. Do you wanna go OUTSIIIIIDE?!
5. Are you my little baby? Do you need to be rocked like a little baby?
6. Are you cute?
7. Do you need a belly rub?
8. Can you please settle down?

Sally chills out and sleeps in her kennel when we're not home, listening to classical music. When I get home from work and open her crate, she runs out and puts a front paw on each of my shoulders and gives me what I like to call (anthropomorphically, I know) a hug. Then we go outside. Then we come back in and spend the evening together. We like to lie on the living room floor and either watch Law-N-Order or various DVD's. Or if I'm working on the computer, she lies on the bed behind me as I sit at the desk, and she has a little perch at the head of the bed so she can look out the window and growl at her dog neighbors Vegas and Lola or just watch the traffic go by.

As a side note, I have wanted a dog my whole life and my parents wouldn't let me get one when I was a kid. Sally absolutely fulfills my dream of having a way cool, way fun, a bit bonkers, snuggly and loving pooch.

We love Sally a ton so here's to you, Sally Green. HB and many happy returns. I am so happy when I'm hanging out with you, I miss you when I'm not home with you, and I would be so sad without you.

Crabbylicious

Sometimes when I'm feeling crabby and there's someone who's bothering me, what I really want to do is scream at them:

"YOU ARE A TURD!!!!"

But instead I just complain about them to my friends.

A Fun Game

Later this week I will let you know why I haven't posted in a while. I was on a secret vacation! In the meantime let me tell you about this fun and cheap game that can be played anywhere.

First: do you like to sing songs around the house? Do you like to serenade your friends, lovers and/or life partner? Then you'll love this fun twist on an old classic.

Rules: substitute the letter "P" at the beginning of each word of the song you're singing. You can either do every single word, or just the big ones. Here are some examples:

Pow do you polve a problem pike Paria?
Pow do you patch a ploud and pin it pown?
Pow do you pind a pord that peans Paria?
A plibberty-pibbit, a pill-o-the-pisp, a plown?

--or--

Peveryone's patchin' to see phat pou will po
Peveryone's pookin' at pou, poh
Peveryone's ponderin' pill pou pome pout ponight?
Peveryone's pryin' to get it pright, get it pright
Peverybody's porkin' por the peekend!
Peverybody pants a pew pomance!
Peverybody's poin' poff the peep pend!
Peverybody peeds a pecond pance! Poh!

This one's from the new Fiona Apple album:

Pive us pomething pamiliar
Pomething pimilar to phat we pow palready
Phat will peep us peady
Peady pteady poin' powhere

****Warning!!! Your friends, lovers and/or life partner might find this annoying after a while so please play sparingly.***

Okay all you Funkhausers

I finished The Magician's Assistant last night. It was really great. If you enjoy contemporary fiction, I recommend Ann Patchett. She's a great writer. The funny thing is that Bel Canto seems to be her most popular book but it's my least favorite of hers. The second half of the book takes place in Alliance, NE. I'm from NE but I've never been to Alliance. Some her characters in Alliance seemed a bit stereotypical small-town, which made me feel weird - but I don't know much about true life in a small town so what can I say? One example was a person in her 50's who'd never had Eggs Benedict.

Also - I can't believe she could set her book in Alliance without mentioning Carhenge.

The World Around Us

I love the Internet. This post is just about some random things I found on the Internet today.

Celebs
I like to read celebrity news and gossip. Once you read it every day for awhile, you realize it's just the same stuff over and over. However, here's a pretty weird one that's new to me. This is from MSNBC's gossip column, "The Scoop". I feel that it speaks for itself so I'm not going to add my own editorial comment.

The Scoop is shocked that Matt Damon didn’t fall all over himself thanking Jennifer Love Hewitt for giving him a bed. “There was this article and it was about Matt Damon, and he was saying that he works so much that he doesn’t feel like he has a bed of his own anywhere. And it really struck me as this sort of sad thing,” the "Ghost Whisperer" star said, according to ContactMusic. “I was like, ‘He’s famous and he’s so cute and he’s Matt Damon and he should feel like he has a bed.’ It just made me sad. So I sent him a bed. I sent him an AeroBed and a comforter and sheets. I wrote in there that I was a huge fan and that I wanted him to travel with it and feel like he had a bed wherever he went. I never heard back from him. I have [seen him since] and he’s kind of looked at me a little weird.”

Advice Columns
I also really enjoy advice columns. There are tons out there. There were two items that got me thinking today.

Here's what Dear Abby said today.

In the Jewish religion, in the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), the faithful are commanded to ask forgiveness from anyone they may have wronged or offended during the year. In Judaism, God cannot forgive the sins a person has committed against another unless the sinner has asked that person for forgiveness. If the injured party rejects the apology three times -- and by the way, in the Old Testament it says it's a sin to carry a grudge -- the wrongdoer is then released from the obligation to ask forgiveness. This year, the 10 days to ask forgiveness begin today.

This seems like a great idea. I am not very religious but I have always wanted to be Jewish instead of Presbyterian. I don't know a lot about Judaism but from what I do know, it's pretty cool. Also I like the idea of sacred rituals. It seems to me that these ancient rituals would help ground you and get you serious. Whereas the church I grew up in was kind of casual and I never felt very serious there. (Please note that reading Nancy Drew and having giggle fits with K every Sunday during the service didn't help to promote seriousness.) Don't get me wrong there were plenty of serious people there. But it was almost like this church was self-serve. Like you show up and you can have any level of faith, and you're welcome however you want it. Which is great. But my level of faith and interest were not too high. But in theory, I think if I went to synagogue I would have more desire to be serious and faithful. However all this is moot, as I'm not very religious and I think the rabbi would see right through me and be like "this lady just likes the rabbis' outfits and the bagels and Neil Diamond."

Anyhoo I thought about if I'm holding any grudges right now and yes, there's one I can think of. And after reading about this atonement business, um, I'm going to keep holding it.*

Today, Annie's Mailbox said:

This is a good time to mention that Thursday is National Depression Screening Day. If you or anyone you love is suffering from post-partum disorder, bipolar disease, post-traumatic stress syndrome or any other form of depression, please call (800) 437-1200 (http://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/) for a free, confidential screening.

The only reason this jumped out at me is that one time in about 1998 I went to one of these free depression screenings. I left work early to get there in time. (I had to tell a lie about where I was going and I was super nervous about that.) Anyway I got there 20 minutes before the advertisement said they closed. I walked in and they said I was too late. And I was like Well Fark! How farking depressing is that!! That's not helpful at all you assholes!

And finally here's a good one from Miss Manners. This is not from today, it's from awhile ago.

Dear Miss Manners,

Let's say someone passes gas. They say, "Excuse me." Do you say, "You are excused"? My wife does this … I find it strange.

Gentle Reader,

Miss Manners has something even stranger for you: Etiquette's way of dealing with things that shouldn't happen is to pretend that they didn't. So you—or, rather, that unfortunate "someone"—need not say, "Excuse me." And you are right that the response of "You are excused" has an unnecessarily imperious feel to it, as if you could equally well have refused.

Admittedly, the definition of things that shouldn't happen is arbitrary. Passing gas meets the definition, although, oddly enough, burping does not—unless you are doing it on purpose, in which case stop that this very minute.

* no, it's not anyone who reads this blog.

Delay!

The Ready Consumer sends her sincerest apologies for missing her deadline. Her column is supposed to appear here weekly, but unfortunately, certain circumstances have forced her to postpone until next week.

These circumstances include, but are not limited to:

-- wondering how the debate over the Iowa Hawkeyes' pink visitors' locker room will end up;
-- organizing a disaster emergency kit;
-- feeling sad about a broken car radio;
-- experiencing frustration over a painful kneecap;
-- feeling sleepy;
-- clicking around and around and around on IMDB (has anyone else thought about Shari Belafonte-Harper lately?);
-- worrying about ever meeting a giant squid.

First things first people! The Ready Consumer will be back next week.